I hate when people lie. I hate it when my friends lie to me. I hate it when they know that I know that they are lying and they still deny it. But hate is just he tip of the iceberg. Yes, I hate "it" but it doesn't mean that i hate "them", I hate myself. My mind and my heart are playing tricks on me, I'm a very confused person. I don't know when my mind ends and my heart begins. I can't tell whether my heart is telling me do something or my mind. Like now, I'm battling with 2 "sides", one tells me he is lying but the other says no. Trust is not something that i can easily give, it may take years for a certain person to gain my trust but still, there are times that my trust betrays me and paranoia takes over. I think my past broken relationships with my friends are to blame. It takes a lot of time and effort to build a strong foundation for a friendship but lies can eat it away easily. I grew tired of giving second chances and giving my trust, so closed my door and opened a small window. But fear of being lied to or betrayed is forcing me to close my windows. And I don't know if i can open it again. A friend kept me from closing it once but now he is the one who is making me close it again. But i still hope that he is there to make things alright.
I've lost faith in myself, I'm so tired of picking up the pieces all by myself. I don't care if I die, but don't get me wrong, I don't want to take my own life. I just lost my will to live my life. Its like when something happens to bme, don't try to save me anymore kinda thing.
Arrghhh, oh please dear lord give me a sign, a sign that would tell me if he is lying or not. But wait, if he is lying, could take me with you and tell it to me in heaven? I know I cannot go on if i find out that he is.... I cannot trust anyone again, and I would live alone and die alone. I would rather die knowing nothing than live knowing that he lied.
- Confessions of a Fallen Angel
*shoves more happy happy, joy joy pills down her throat*
